Cactus Flower
by searchingforsanity
Summary: ABANDONED. When Dr. Zachary Anderson is unable to extricate himself from his own romantic fanangalings, he appeals to his reliable assistant, Ami, forwhat else?assistance. She's never failed him at the office before, right?
1. Ami's Headache

Ah, ah-heh, I know I already have a story going, but this little idea here popped into my head and clung there like flab on my cat. So here it is. A fun little teaser for you guys. This is the intro to an Ami/Zoicite fic (though your other favorite characters make an appearance) and is very AU. It's based somewhat on a really old Walter Matthau movie of the same name. This is a trial chapter, so depending on your response I might or might not continue it. Certainly, unless I get an overwhelming response I will continue to work on Ne Plus Ultra first. We'll see what happens. In any case, read and review!  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own Sailor Moon. My cat might. Her flab owns the rest of the globe, so who knows? The copyright might be hidden in there somewhere. But I'm certainly not looking for it.  
  
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Ami Mizuno pushed the bangs out of her face and sighed the sigh of the completely put-upon. Squinching her eyes shut, she turned away from the object of her frustration, and, forcibly tamping down her anger, muttered, "*Mr*. Anderson, you simply *cannot* keep disappearing like this. You have patients to attend to and a very full schedule of meetings! You're shenanigans have caused thirty-nine inconvenienced patients, 160 reschedules, and the loss of 29 of your most reliable customers. Not to mention causing me a horrible headache. Honestly, sir, if you intend to keep this up, I don't know how I'll manage. I don't even know how I managed today."  
  
Dr. Zachary Anderson, psychiatrist extraodinaire, stared at his pretty little assistant and wondered just exactly where all her issues came from. She certainly was a case for the books. Such a shame. She was rather pretty too, if only she would loosen up a bit.  
  
"Mr. Anderson, are you listening to me?"  
  
Zachary shook himself out of his reverie and once more focused on his- rather distraught-companion.  
  
"Of course I am Ms. Mizuno. And I understand why you're so upset. I have been awful hard on you haven't I, disappearing so? But it's only because I have such faith in you that I feel I can leave the office business to you when I am in dire need of a break. And you managed, didn't you?" At her tired nod, he continued quickly, before she could get another chance to protest. "So you see, there's nothing to worry about. I promise it won't happen any more this week. It was just that Minako has been so distressed lately, and when she called, I couldn't refuse her, could I?"  
  
Ami tried, rather unsuccessfully, not to roll her eyes. That name again. Minako. Apparently, when the pretty blonde model snapped her fingers, the whole world came running. And Zachary seemed to arrive the fastest. "What catastrophe was it this time Dr. Anderson? Or do I dare to ask?"  
  
Zachary, rather incorrectly, assumed this meant she was relenting and began to expound with drama his poor, innocent, darling Minako's tail of woe. "You see last night I broke a date with her. Told her that my wife was home and so I needed to stay in and play house. This, of course, upset my darling so much that she." He finally yielded to the incredulous stare that his efficient employee was giving him. "What?"  
  
Ami blinked. "Sir, you're not married."  
  
Zachary blinked. "So?"  
  
Ami felt the headache she'd been fighting with drugs all day come pounding back with a vengeance. Just where exactly did this man come from? She'd been working for him for three years and was still as of yet unable to understand him in the least. He was brilliant, not even she could deny that, but he never seemed to take his job (or her, for that matter) seriously. What a waste. "Sir, you broke a date with your girlfriend of sixteen months to stay home and 'play house' with a non-existent wife?"  
  
"Of course! She only thinks I'm married, obviously." Her boss stated, as if that explained it all.  
  
"Obviously." Ami echoed with a dubious look on her face.  
  
Sensing that more of an explanation was required, Zachary expanded: "Well, yeah. Men have to do that nowadays, women get pretty clingy unless they think you have a spare at home. She was getting too serious, so I had to remind her.but you see that's what started this whole thing."  
  
"What?"  
  
"This whole conversation! I left work early because Minako tried to kill herself over our broken date!"  
  
Ami had to admit, if only to herself, that this was almost a viable excuse for leaving work early. Attempted suicide was never to be taken lightly, even if it was done for the most stupid of reasons. A broken date! Women like Minako Starre were just too manipulative.  
  
"I misjudged the situation awfully, she's much more serious about me than even I had thought. I don't know how I'm going to fix it this problem. Obviously it'll take some careful planning. Maybe I can tell her."  
  
Also, apparently, were men like Zachary Anderson. The two deserved each other, Ami decided. It really was a good thing he expressed no interest in her as more than an office assistant.  
  
"Sir. I'm not here to be your relationship consultant. I merely wished to inform you of the state of your office before I departed for the evening. Now that that is done I will take my leave, unless of course, there is anything else?" She gazed up at him through the lens of her glasses, voice and expression stating that if there *were* anything else, it had better be good.  
  
Zach took it for the warning it was; even superb and consummate professionals had limits, and Ami had been pushed beyond hers. "No, Ms. Mizuno, I can't think of anything."  
  
"In that case, I'll take my leave of you, sir. I'll see you tomorrow. Have a good evening."  
  
"Thank you, you too."  
  
He watched as she turned on her heel and departed. Her smart, knee-length blue skirt swaying with her hip movement. He smiled slightly as she bent over her desk, obviously grabbing for something, but affording him with a great view of her rear in the process.  
  
The thought that it really was a shame that his assistant was such a snob was briefly pondered, then set aside for the more pressing challenge with Minako.  
  
--------~  
  
There it is! Lemme know what y'all think! 


	2. Minako's Headache

--------~ Hey all! I'm back! Sorry for the looong wait on this puppy, but life (and fanfiction.net) went crazy, and I had no time (or ability) to write this and post it. But I really wanted to get this out to you guys. Fourteen reviews for one chapter is phenomenal, and I wanted thank you by getting this out ASAP. In fact, I'm doing this when I should be working on my summer assignments and correspondence course. ::glares menacingly at teachers:: So, here it is! Enjoy!!  
  
Disclaimer: I've got the whole world in my hand I've got the whole world in my hand I've got the whole world Except for the copy right to sailor moon!  
  
Ye-aaaah! ::jazz hands::  
  
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Just across town, in plush bathroom that was roughly the size of the Big Island of Hawaii, Minako Starre, model of the century and the cause of Zachary's problems and Ami's headache, sat and stared at herself in the mirror, a small frown sitting oddly upon her normally beaming features.  
  
"What's wrong with me lately?" She demanded of her reflection, "Why am I letting Zachary get to me?"  
  
In all honesty, she really was perplexed. Suicide just wasn't her *thing*. She considered herself a cheerful and extremely exuberant person, and as such her actions of the previous evening were completely at odds with everything she stood for. It wasn't like any of her critics were going to believe _that_, however. She had already heard the dismissal of her near-death experience as a staged and poorly played melodrama designed to give her career a boost by playing on people's sympathies.  
  
Minako was unable to hold back an extremely unladylike snort. As *if*! Though even she admitted that she had a tendency to be a teensy bit melodramatic, it wasn't like she'd go and stage a legitimate near-death experience as a publicity stunt. If she were going to do something for attention, it would most likely involve tight jeans and a small halter, not mass amounts of alcohol and sleeping pills. And anyway, it wasn't like her career actually _needed_ boosting. Her own megawatt smile and shapely figure coupled with large blue eyes and waves of shimmering blonde hair made sure that she stayed at the top.  
  
Goddesses did not need to resort to desperate measures to continue to make a living.  
  
Determinedly wiping any troubled expression off her face, she swept her hair over her shoulder and struck a pose, million-dollar smile flashing brightly. "Eat your heart out Pamela Anderson! Perfection like mine does not need any assistance whatsoever." She enthused, dancing around a little. She sidled closer to the mirror and kissed it, giggling, "My ego probably doesn't need any help either!"  
  
"I'll agree to that, Ms. Starre," A deep voice rumbled flatly from the direction of the doorway.  
  
Minako "eep-ed" and whirled around, a mild blush dancing on her cheeks as she realized she'd been observed during one of her self pep-talks. The fact that she knew the identity of this intruder did nothing to improve her mental state; it worsened it. "Koujirou Hayashi!" She accused.  
  
"The same."  
  
The man, now identified as one Koujirou Hayashi, was leaning against the doorframe to *her* bathroom, arms crossed casually across his chest, his usual "smirk of superiority" (as Minako had dubbed it some years prior) gracing features.  
  
When Minako's mind wandered to how good he looked in his business suit her flush deepened. When she looked into his silver-gray eyes and realized he had noticed her appraisal, she reddened still further.  
  
His smirk widened. "Sorry to interrupt you in a rare moment of humility, Ms. Starre, but if you would like my assistance, I'm pretty sure we could get that ego of yours back down to a size that will fit in a normal bathroom."  
  
Sternly refusing to let him bait her, Minako took a deep breath, let it out to a count of ten, repeated the process until she was calm (about eight times), then replied: "How kind of you to offer, Mr. Hayashi, but it seems a completely unnecessary gesture on your part, as you have been determinedly doing your damnedest to destroy my self-respect for years."  
  
Which was true. Koujirou had been making a living out of harassing her ever since they had met at the party of a mutual friend, some seven years ago. Minako honestly could not understand why Nickolas and Lauren seemed to enjoy his company. Sure he *was* handsome. And rich. And intelligent. And generous. But he had this *arrogance*! The way he carried himself, and his expectation that all the women in the world would (and did) fall fainting at his feet-OoooooO! she couldn't even think about it without getting angry. Her eyes blazed.  
  
Koujirou raised one eyebrow delicately. "The offer of assistance was merely a formality, I assure you Ms. Starre. If you were to decline, I would feel that I should continue my noble efforts, if not for your sake, then for the poor people that have to deal with you."  
  
Minako sucked in another breath. 'Calm. Must be calm.' She hated this man. Hated the fact that she never seemed able to win against him on any front. Hated the fact that she now owed him, of all people, her life. Why did it have to be *him* of all people who had found her half-dead in that alley? She was honestly surprised he had taken her to the emergency room instead of letting her just die. But then, he probably couldn't pass up the chance to have even more to harass her about.  
  
She gritted her teeth and tried to speak in an even tone. "I'm going to let that one, and the fact that you, sir, have entered not only my home, but my bathroom unannounced go for now, because I am grateful to you for saving me last night. That, and the fact I'm quite curious as to *why* you are here. Now explain yourself or go, I'm expecting company." She tried her best to imitate his haughty expression (though she never could seem to get her eyebrow to lift right).  
  
It was her question, not her ridiculous expression, that made Koujirou pause. What exactly was her going to tell her? He certainly couldn't say that he had been torn up with worry about her. True as it was, he had the feeling she wouldn't be as flattered as most women would have been. In fact, she'd probably laugh, say something mocking, then throw him out on his ear. Not an attractive concept.  
  
No, he was just going to have to make something up. He had a talent for talking out of his ass, anyway. He could be embarrassed about what came out later. He usually was when he reviewed any of his conversations with Minako. Something about her just brought out his worst.  
  
"You mean what drew me here, besides your obvious charms? Ok, ok." He held up his hands in defense. "Truth is I wanted to find out--"  
  
He was cut off by the doorbell. He took a tiny breath and exhaled quickly. Saved.  
  
Minako sighed heavily, pulled her robe tighter, and moved to answer the door, her body brushing his lightly as he was still blocking the doorway.  
  
"Excuse me."  
  
Blue eyes met gray, and he was riveted long after she had disappeared down the hallway.  
  
-----------~  
  
Zachary stood on Minako's doorstep holding a bouquet of roses and mentally rehearsing his plan. It was a masterpiece of beauty and simplicity. It had hit with startling clarity about 2:00 this morning. He had been trying to figure out a way to keep her on without endangering his bachelorhood, and round about his sixth shot of tequila had realized that that would be impossible. He loved her and it was obviously the right thing to do. So today, he, Zachary Anderson was going to take the plunge. He was going to do it. He was going to ask her to be his wife.  
  
He could see her face light up when she flung open the door.  
  
"Zachary!" She beamed, making a bee-line for the roses, and after making sure that they were of the thornless variety, threw herself into his arms. "What on Earth are you doing here? Aren't you supposed to be working right now?"  
  
Zach smiled softly down at the blonde in his arms. "It's a Saturday, love, I get off at 2:00."  
  
She nuzzled closer. "Oh, that's right."  
  
"Can I come in, baby? There's something really important I need to talk to you about."  
  
Minako peeked up at him through her lashes, wondering what could be so serious as to warrant that tone. "Oh, of course, come on in." She took his hand. "Mr. Hayashi was just leaving, weren't you?"  
  
Zachary noted for the first time the large silver-haired male standing forgotten at the foot of the stair case. He cocked a brow. "Friend of yours?"  
  
Minako shook her head a firm negative. "Brief acquaintance. He was the one who saved my life yesterday."  
  
Zach ran his eyes over the sturdy, stone-cold features on the man's expressionless face; he was giving nothing away.  
  
Zachary extended a hand. "I guess I owe you a 'thank you', then, for saving my baby's life." They shook firmly.  
  
Koujirou turned to Minako, said his farewells, and left, feeling Zachary's eyes boring into his back the whole time.  
  
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Whoo! So, there it is! Chapter 2! I'm so excited. Yes, I know there are a few problems with it (especially near the end) but it's done. Let me know what you think, k? I like reviews. They make me feel all warm and fuzzy inside.  
  
Preview for next chapter:  
  
He could feel a headache coming on, and for the first time, felt some sympathy for his secretary. He paused. His secretary! 


	3. Zachary's Headache

Hehe, I'm back. I'm having a bit of a writer's block with Ne Plus Ultra. This story, however, is coming more easily. So here's another chapter.  
  
_I_ really like this one. I think it's funny. It might be written a little awkwardly because I had to churn it out fast. (School starts next week and I still have an essay to write.)  
  
I will warn you that Zach is a bit of a potty mouth there at the end, but, hey, this thing is rated PG-13, so it should be all right, right? And I'm warning you too, so there!  
  
Enjoy until next time!  
  
~Loulibelle  
  
P.S. Oh, and for anyone wondering about the title (Wyse), just think of it as a metaphor. The meaning will become clear later on~! (I enjoy acting mysterious.Muajajajaja!)  
  
  
  
disclaimer: I don't own Sailor Moon. Rudyard, however, is _mine_.  
  
  
  
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"So let me get this straight: you want to marry me?" When Zachary had come over unexpectedly with something important to say, Minako had never in a million years imagined it would be something like this. Minako looked down at the man kneeling in front of her. "Are you serious?"  
  
The floor was tile and very hard on the knees. "Dead serious Minako. I love you and I want you for my wife! I've thought about this a lot the past few days and I realized I want to spend the rest of my life with you!"  
  
Minako began chewing her lip nervously. She stared into Zachary's eyes and at the honesty she saw there. She loved this man, hell, she'd even tried to kill herself over him! But.but. "But you can't be serious, Zachary!" She finally exclaimed. "You're a married man! What about your wife and child? Won't they be upset? I'll be a home wrecker!" The thought almost made her cry. "I'll be ruining someone's life! I can't do that! Think of the negative press!"  
  
His leg was falling asleep. Letting out a groan, he tried to reason. "Mina-honey, my marriage is a sham." 'In more ways than one.' "My wife and I have talked it over, and we've decided that this is the best way to go! There will be no hurt feelings on either side, I promise."  
  
She sniffled delicately. "Are you sure?"  
  
He stumbled up, tingly leg and all, and embraced her, tucking her head under his chin and wrapping his arms around her tightly. "Honey, it's as if I haven't even been married these last six years. Now trust me. This is for the best."  
  
Minako heaved a whuffled sigh. "Oh, Zach, if only there was some way I could be sure she's all right.I'd hate to have someone hate me."  
  
She felt his smile through her hair. "I'll tell her how concerned you are. She'll be touched. It'll almost be like you told her yourself."  
  
Minako sat straight up, dislodging her suitor. She stood up, and turning toward him, began to smile. 'Of course! Why didn't I think of this before!'  
  
"Zach! You're a genius! I'll go meet her!"  
  
"_What!?!_"  
  
"I'll go meet her and see for myself whether everything's okay!" She was practically dancing now, caught up in her own brilliance. "If I talk to her, Zachary, I know I'll feel so much better about this whole thing!"  
  
Zach, for his part, could only stare at her incredulously. Was this girl for real? How many people would insist on meeting a man's wife before she married the man? He had to get himself out of this and fast! "Mina, dear, think about what you're saying."  
  
He was cut off by the look in her eyes.  
  
"Zach." Minako made sure just the right amount of tears were shimmering in her baby blues. Her voice wavered. "Meeting her would mean so much to me. Are you saying you don't think I'm fit to meet your wife?"  
  
He blanched. "No! No! That's not what I'm saying at all!"  
  
"Then introduce me to her, Zach, or my answer to your proposal will be no."  
  
----------~  
  
"I am so fucked!" Zachary wailed to the stuffed moose in his arms. He'd returned from Minako's condo roughly four hours ago, frazzled with worry. In an attempt at therapy, he'd changed into his favorite boxers and now sat on his ottoman in front of the fire. On the coffee table lay a half-empty bottle of tequila and a shot glass. In his lap, the loyal animal he'd gotten as a present for his second birthday.  
  
He basked in the warm glow that the fire and the alcohol afforded. So far he'd imbibed enough of his drink of choice to be able to speak to the animal in his lap freely without feeling a fool. The amount, however, wasn't sufficient to inhibit the concocting of any of his brilliant strategies.  
  
Though, he admitted to himself with a grimace, it was his _last_ "brilliant strategy" that had led him to his current predicament.  
  
How on earth had things gotten so tangled? He finally decides to get tied down to a woman and she throws this at him. Was that even fair? "How the hell is she going to meet a wife I don't have?!" He demanded of Rudyard (the name of the moose). "And it isn't as easy as coming clean and telling her I'm a bachelor, either. She's one of those 'honesty is the best policy' types. Can't stand lying of any sort! Why, I heard she once fired a guy for lying about how tall he was! Can you imagine?"  
  
Rudyard gazed at him in moosey commiseration.  
  
"Buddy," he said to his companion, "you're my pal. I get the feeling that in a couple more drinks you'll be able to give me advice, too."  
  
Deciding that it was worth a shot, so to speak, Zach tossed back another drink. Then looked to the stuffed animal that lay in his lap. "Okay, how'm I gonna produce a wife, friend?"  
  
Rudyard stared back through glassy eyes and remained tight-lipped.  
  
"Damn it, bud! You're going to give me a headache! Now I know how Ami feels. Waitaminute! Ami!"  
  
He hugged the moose tight and patted him on the head, grinning madly. "Rudyard, my friend, you are a genius!"  
  
  
  
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Enjoyed it? Want more? Hated it? Want it to die? Think it was stupid? Have no opinion whatsoever?  
  
REVIEW IT and LET ME KNOW!!! 


	4. Joseff's Headache Giving Capabilities

Ah! Lookee lookee! I'm back with a new chapter! *smiles brilliantly* Yup!  
  
Sorry about the horrible wait on this one. I've been really busy. School is taking a huge bite of my time, and all my teachers are determined to get the required writing assignments out of the way. Alas. I hate not fun writing.  
  
This chapter is a decently long one, I feel. Though not much happens in it, at least it's something, ne?  
  
And thank you! Thank you! Thank you! To everyone who reviewed! Especially Wyse and Peachie! You guys are so faithful! Thank you! *snif snif*  
  
  
  
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Ami had woken up that morning with a residual feeling of doom. As bad as the previous days had been (and some of them had been _really_ bad) something in the pit of her stomach informed her that today would turn out to be much, much worse. Her dreams last night hadn't helped any either. She could vaguely recall something about her boss dancing in his boxers with a moose and deliriously saying "Ami! Of course! Genius! Geeeenius!"  
  
As a result of said dream she had lost about three hours of sleep and had stumbled down the stairs to breakfast fifteen minutes past her usual time, and looking not at all like her usually well-kempt prompt self. Her hair mussed, her eyes blurry, and her suit slightly disheveled. Stephanie, of course, had noticed. And, with her usual tact, proceeded to question her about it over their bowls of cereal.  
  
"Wow, Ames, you really look like shit this morning!" She began, cramming another spoonful of Lucky Charms into her mouth, and spraying milk everywhere. Reminding Ami, rather fondly, Stephanie's mother when she was younger.  
  
"Stephanie!" said mother stated, reprimanding her daughter. "Don't talk with your mouth full! And watch your language! Where you pick up those kinds of words I'll never know!" In a complete switch of gears that those who knew her took as normal, Serena turned to Ami and took advantage of the opening her daughter had made for her. She herself had said nothing, having learned several years prior about such things as tact and basic manners. She could only thank God for children. "Now that she mentions it, you do look a little under the weather, Ami. Are you feeling all right?"  
  
Ami, knowing exactly how Serena's mind worked, and, being quite used to such things, smiled at the two. "I didn't sleep well last night."  
  
"Ooh. Nightmares?" Stephanie asked, looking far too excited about the prospect for anyone's peace of mind. Were all six-year-olds this bloodthirsty?  
  
Ami grimaced, recalling her dream vividly. Even now the image made her shudder. "Yes, Steph, you could say that."  
  
  
  
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Ami had ended up being late for work that morning. After the conversation at the table, she'd finished her breakfast hurriedly and had begun to step out the door when Mamoru had stopped her, informing her that she'd left her briefcase on the table. She'd thanked her brother profusely, had begun to leave again, and was stopped by a horrified shriek from Serena. Turns out she was wearing yesterday's suit. Whatever would the boss think? After changing into a clean one, then changing her pantyhose and shoes to match, and _then_ being stopped one last time by her well-meaning sister-in-law who would not let her leave without a coordinating necklace, Ami could care less what her boss thought.  
  
Traffic, of course, had been horrendous. And when she finally stumbled into the office, 20 minutes late, exhausted, frustrated, and for all intents and purposes hating the world and everything in it, the sight that met her eyes made her want to scream, throw her briefcase on the floor, and then run away and hide.  
  
"'Morning Sergeant!" Joseff called cheerfully to the abused assistant, not at all deterred by her death glare. "What's wrong? Was their bad traffic this morning or are you just happy to see me?" His blue eyes danced and he deliberately turned up his smile from just "charming" to "I'm so hot and you want to give me everything I want and be my slave." Ami attempted to studiously ignored it, him, and his question.  
  
Oh, God! Why her? Why him? Why this morning? She couldn't take Zachary's incorrigible friend on a normal day of an extremely good week. Joseff Thompson, with his baby blues eyes and soft golden-blonde hair was a pain and a nuisance, and that only when he was feeling charitable.  
  
Spotting her pitiful "why me" glance heavenward, Joseff's smile widened in satisfaction. He lived to be a pain in the ass, and driving Zach's ice queen of a mouse office assistant to want to attempt to kill him had been his goal for ages. She was a tough nut to crack, but today she seemed close. Just a little bit of pressure and... He set about this pleasant task with a will. "Is the boss man in yet?"  
  
"If you're referring to my employer, then, yes, he is here. But he's with a client presently, so if you wouldn't mind...?"  
  
"Sure, sure, Serge. Wouldn't want to interrupt his sessions with other clients."  
  
She eyed him narrowly through her reading glasses and slammed her bad viciously onto her desk. "Yes. Since these patients go through the trouble of _making appointments_ and _paying_." She smiled icily.  
  
Joseff let the barb roll off. You couldn't be a professional nuisance and be sensitive to these things, after all. "Ouch, Serge, that hurts. Cuts me to the quick, it does."  
  
"I'm so sure. I know how much my opinions have always meant to you."  
  
He leaned forward and placed his hands flat on her desk so he could look directly into her eyes. "Oh, Serge, you have no idea. Every time I look in your eyes..."  
  
Ami scowled, her temper fraying. "Oh, can it, windbag. If you insist on waiting for Mr. Anderson to finish up, you may sit over there." She made a gesture to the chair farthest away from her office area. "And try not to talk."  
  
Joseff laughed at her tone and went to take a seat. "Aye, aye, Serge!"  
  
Ami sighed quietly in relief, finally slumping back into her chair. This day just couldn't get any worse!  
  
---------~  
  
Inside his office, barely listening to his latest nut case of a patient, Zachary Anderson planned, all the while sporting a mysteriously evil smirk on his face.  
  
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So, there ya have it! Now, respect all my hard work in putting off my homework and put off your homework a little longer by reviewing me! 


	5. 5a: The Best Laid Plans

Howdy peeps! *Avoids various objects thrown at her* I'm really, really, REALLY sorry for the delay on this chapter. It was really inexcusable. Not that I don't HAVE excuses. I just don't think that they vary enough from the standard "School and everything related is trying to kill me" for them to seem valid.  
  
You'll note that this chapter seems short. It is. I was trying to get something out before you forgot I existed. But this is only part "A" of chapter 5, so indeed, it'll seem as if this actual chapter is longer, and that I have written more, but I have not had time to post it yet. Yeah! Nifty trick, that.  
  
Regrettably, not much happens in the way of plot movement, but this is necessary to set up for when the plot DOES move. And it does, I swear! More movement shall be had in part "B" of this chapter, which I hope to have out soon.  
  
Once again, a HUGE SMILEY THANK YOU to all of my reviewers, and, as I feel you've been neglected, I've been thinking of doing a personal response to each of your reviews, starting with chapter 5b. Lemme know what you think!  
  
Have fun!!!!  
  
---------~  
  
"And so I keep lapsing into thoughts of whether or not I AM a hobbit. I have the height, after all and there's this strange obsession I have with Bilbo..."  
  
Zachary Anderson, psychiatrist extraordinaire, tapped his pencil against his notepad and glanced quickly at the clock, then at the small old woman in the chair, and then back to the clock. Five minutes left in her session. Perhaps he could cut it off a bit early? Joseff was supposed to be here soon, and the woman HAD been repeating herself awkwardly for the last two minutes. He wouldn't charge her for the unused time, of course, that wouldn't be fair. And besides, he couldn't concentrate properly on her today. Not when the happiness of his marriage was riding on tonight.  
  
Oh yes, tonight. Whatever he was to do had to be done tonight. His darling Minako had placed THAT restriction. The problem was, of course, that he did not feel he could completely rely on the plan that had been concocted between himself and a moose the previous evening.  
  
Upon waking up he'd soon realized some basic flaws in what he had previously considered a stroke of uncommon genius. One, for example, like the teensy fact that before his office assistant could pretend to be his wife, he would actually have to get her to agree. (He blamed THAT oversight on Rudyard.) And for some reason he doubted that just looking deeply into her eyes and asking her would work. It was a continuation of his pathetically poor luck that the one woman he needed desperately for his plan was the one woman he had met that was immune to all his charms.  
  
He was running out of time.  
  
Speaking of which,  
  
"So, what do you think, Mr. Anderson? Am I really crazy? I just-it's just sometimes I feel so inadequate and..."  
  
Having made his decision, Zach surreptitiously moved the knob on the egg-timer forward, making it ring and causing the woman to jump slightly.  
  
She sat up a bit. "Oh, is it time already?"  
  
Zach nodded gently. "Yes, I'm afraid it is Mrs. Lawton. We'll have to continue next week."  
  
The eccentric woman on the couch nodded her small head emphatically. "Oh, thank you so much, Mr. Anderson! I really enjoy our sessions together. You don't know how much better you make me feel!"  
  
Zachary could not hide a small smile. He loved his job. Contrary to popular belief, he was not a completely self-centered jerk. He had become a psychiatrist because helping people gave him a certain high he could find no where else. Talking them through their problems and making them feel more self-assured was something that he viewed as a unique and rewarding challenge. Seeing his patients walk out of his office with a smile like the one Mrs. Lawton now sported lifted his own spirits and gave him confidence.  
  
The fact that his selflessness didn't usually extend to anyone who was not paying absurd amounts of money for his time meant little.  
  
"I'm glad that you feel that I'm helping you, ma'am." He managed humbly, then gallantly offered to escort her out.  
  
----------~  
  
He was staring at her. She could feel his eyes on her. He'd been looking at her the past ten minutes. Wherever she went, she could sense his gaze. There was no escape.  
  
He was driving her crazy.  
  
She hated giving him the satisfaction of knowing he got to her, but she just couldn't take it anymore. She could feel herself snap.  
  
"Would you MIND, Mr. Thompson?"  
  
Joseff knew grinning would not do anything to help establish his innocence. "Why, whatever do you mean, Ms. Mizuno?" He asked, never taking his eyes off her.  
  
Ami huffed. "Would you PLEASE stop that?"  
  
"Stop what? I'm not doing anything." He blinked his eyes slowly.  
  
"Yes you are! You're staring at me!"  
  
"Staring? I don't know what you mean."  
  
"Oh just stop it, ok? I don't have the time or the energy to deal with this right now."  
  
"Bad day, Serge?"  
  
"You've no idea."  
  
"Anything I can do to make it better?"  
  
"You could stop staring at me."  
  
"Staring?"  
  
"Yes, staring. Staring. Gerund form of the verb 'to stare, to look at directly and fixedly'." She quoted blandly.  
  
"OOOoooh, Serge, you don't know what it does to me when you talk that dirty dictionary talk..."  
  
She felt her face flush. "Shut up, Thompson, and QUIT STARING!"  
  
Joseff leaned happily back into the cushy chair he was seated on, pleased with himself. Rolling his shoulders he placed his arms casually on the back of the seat, and watched as Ami swirled her wheeley chair so her back was to him and began to type a document. Deciding to give her a break, he glanced at the ceiling and watched a ladybug make its way slowly across a florescent light.  
  
Ami continued to type.  
  
The bug crawled.  
  
Clickity-click, click, click,... pause...clickety, clickety, tap.  
  
The bug had made it about halfway.  
  
Tap, tap, tappity, click. Taptaptap.  
  
Almost there.  
  
Clickety tap-tap tappity click. Pause. Tap tap tap.  
  
The bug had fallen about a quarter of the way there...no wait, it was moving, moving...almost...  
  
"Great Joseff! You're here on time!!!"  
  
It was three minutes before an amused Ami and Zach could pry a very frightened Joseff off of the ceiling.  
  
-----------~  
  
So there ya have it! I'll see you soon guys! And in the meantime, read and review!  
  
Louli~ 10/28/02 


	6. 5b: Of Moose and Men

HOWDY Y'All! No, I am _not_ dead. I just feel that way. I'm really sorry about the unfair wait on this part of the chapter. What you see here is actually the fourth re-write of this bad boy. I just had horrendous writer's block. I couldn't figure out what -I- was doing, let alone the characters and their craziness. But I'm back, I'm better, and this bugger is now the middle part of a three-parter. I'm really and truly sorry about the long wait. I'll do better next time, and I thank you for sticking with me, oh wonderful reviewers.  
  
Speaking of, my response to your reviews (starting with chapter 5a) are down at the bottom.  
  
I hope you enjoy!  
  
Louli~  
  
1/25/03  
  
  
  
-----------~  
  
  
  
"Joseff, buddy, pal, friend of my cradle days, I need to borrow your cunningly evil mind." Zachary, leaning over his desk, palms flat, was staring intently at the man sitting in the chair in front of him.  
  
"Ooooooh, flattery, is it? You must really, really need help if your ego is willing to dish out compliments." Joseff paused and thought. "How bad is it?"  
  
Zach lowered his head. "Bad."  
  
"How bad? Are we talking stubbing your toe bad, or having to have a limb amputated bad?"  
  
"This is stubbing the toe of the foot that you're going to have amputated the next day bad."  
  
"You're kidding." Joseff leaned on the desk, trying to crane his head at such an angle that he could look into his friend's face. If it was bad enough that Zach, the ego-god of the universe was lowering himself to appeal for help from a lesser being such as he, odds were pretty good something memorable was about to happen. Joseff decided he really wanted to be there when whatever went down went down.  
  
Having reached this conclusion, Joseff spoke. "Ok, man. Tell me what the problem is."  
  
Zach rolled his eyes. Why did he hang out with such a-a, words failed for a second, then, lesser being? "All right, I'll tell you, but you have to promise to keep it down. She could hear you."  
  
"Who?"  
  
"Ami."  
  
Joseff's grin widened astronomically. "This just keeps getting better. All right, buddy, enlighten me."  
  
Zach grimaced, glanced up at the ceiling imagining he could see whatever gods lay up in heaven laughing at him, then glanced at his friend who WAS laughing at him. "Ok. I need you to lend me your evil brain for a plot, Joe..."  
  
  
  
------------~  
  
  
  
Ami tried her best to remain only slightly disturbed by the evil laughter that had been emanating from the inner office. It wouldn't do to even imagine what the two men were plotting. The nightmares could possibly last for weeks.  
  
She didn't really want to intrude upon her boss' inner sanctum, especially not when it sounded as if he was having so much fun, but Rei had just called to confirm their lunch date and it was her duty as a wonderful employee to inform Zach of her impending absence. Not that he'd remember. She'd told him earlier this week but the last time she'd assumed that twice was enough, she'd come back to find Zach on the phone with the police, trying to convince them she was a missing person. Needless to say, that had not gone over well. She had felt the need to inform him that just because she ever hardly left the office didn't mean that she was incapable of doing so, and that she didn't have other options. She just preferred to stay in usually, and take calls. For someone supposedly sensitive and good with people, he was pretty dense.  
  
She paused and put her ear to the door to hear if it was maybe safe to enter. No cackling. That was a good sign. The low tones of Zach's voice came muffled through the wood. She could just make out what he was saying. Something about a plot and...  
  
Wait. Had she just heard her name?  
  
Choosing to ignore for the moment what others would think if they were to come across her as she was now-- practically laying on the door-- Ami leaned closer and strained to make out what was being said.  
  
  
  
------------~  
  
  
  
"So, what do you think?"  
  
"It's good, Joe, very good. Better than anything Rudyard and I could come up with last night. We got the basic idea, but..."  
  
"You still talking to that stuffed animal of yours?"  
  
"He has a name, you know."  
  
"Sure, sure. I'll be sure to call him that the next time we talk...ouch. You don't have to hit that hard, you know."  
  
"Baby."  
  
"Who still talks to a stuffed moose?"  
  
"Shut up."  
  
"Sooo, anyway...we hit her at lunch?"  
  
"Yeah. Wait. No, it can't be lunch. I remember that she's got a lunch date with an old friend that she's been looking forward to seeing."  
  
"Think we may have interference?"  
  
"God, I hope not. She's been talking about him coming all week."  
  
"You mean to tell me she has casual conversation with you?"  
  
"Well, she does work for me. We just learn stuff about each other. It's only natural."  
  
"Riiiight. So, what's the possible damage?"  
  
Zach fought down the odd feeling in his chest. "His name's Ray. It sounds like they're real close friends."  
  
  
  
------------------~  
  
  
  
  
  
Zach was indeed correct.  
  
Reina Marksteade and Ami Mizuno were old friends. They'd met in middle school when Ami and her family had first moved to the U.S., and Reina had immediately befriended the shy little girl--more from a need to protect her from the inevitable bullies than any true desire to be friends with the quiet nerd (the fact that Ami's older brother was really hot didn't hurt). It was only later, after a few months of companionship, that Ami opened up and Reina was able to develop a genuine fondness for her. Underneath the layer of studious efficiency was a fun, friendly (if extremely shy) person with amazing intelligence and a quirky sense of humor. Rei considered herself extremely privileged to be among the few who were able to witness the true Ami.  
  
Somehow, through all the teasing and bullying that Rei could not protect her from, Ami had displayed a quiet strength and dignity that Rei had begun to admire for.  
  
Which is why it came as a bit of a surprise to her when Reina walked into the posh office of a Mr. Zachery Anderson and found her studious, unassuming friend leaning against the door to the main office, listening with rapt attention to what was being said inside.  
  
"Ami?"  
  
Rei raised a brow as her friend squeaked and whirled around, flushing madly. "R-Rei!"  
  
"Honey, what are you doing?"  
  
Ami's face went from day-glo to the kind of deep, deep flush seen only on bruised apples and those named John Hill. (a/n sorry gang. It's a long-running inside joke. I couldn't resist. I know at least one person who's laughing hard now, right A-chan?) "Well, see, there's a really, really good explanation for this. But it's a long story and...well, the bottom line is that I have a feeling those two are plotting against me!" Ami winced internally at that statement. Her credibility was now shot to all hell. Way to go, brainiac.  
  
The other brow joined it mate at Rei's hairline. Either her friend had gone certifiable from living in a house with Serena and Stephanie, or there really were two people located in that office, plotting the doom of her closest friend. In any case, Rei felt that there was an anecdote in here somewhere that would be an amusing way to pass the time. "Indeed? Well, it does sound like it's an interesting story. Maybe you can tell me all about it at lunch?"  
  
"Lunch yes. Lunch is good."  
  
Rei walked forward and hugged her friend. "It's good to see you, Ames."  
  
Ami returned the hug fervently, unmindful of the door opening behind her.  
  
  
  
-------------~  
  
  
  
The sight that met Joseff's eyes as he walked out of the office was probably one of the most beautiful he had ever seen. Two women in short skirts hugging. Two attractive women in short skirts hugging. Ami "Ice Queen" Mizuno hugging what was probably the hottest thing on two legs. Joseff smiled brightly. Life was looking up.  
  
--------------------~  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
Well, there it is, gang. I hope you liked it. See? Rei showed up! Aren't you thrilled? Eventually everyone's going to come in to play, but that may take a bit. I'll try to be more prompt on the next part's update, but school is looking evil..damn you AP classes! Damn you!  
  
  
  
  
  
Peach-chan:  
  
Don't be mean to me~! I'm working hard here! Yeeesh. I don't see -you- updating.  
  
  
  
AzianMu:  
  
I'm glad you're enjoying it! I'll try to write faster, I promise!  
  
  
  
ElvenFaerie:  
  
Sorry it took so dang long. I'll do better. Really. And I'm so thrilled that you like it! Comments like yours make my day!  
  
wyannick54 :  
  
It makes me so happy to hear that you like my story! But I did make you wait for this guy. I hope it was worth it to ya! Sorry!  
  
  
  
Crissy:  
  
Yeah, Joseff's a jerk. It's what he does. I really believe it's his hobby. But with the introduction of Rei into the story...well, who knows? Keep reading, and thanks for the review!  
  
  
  
Random:  
  
I'm glad that you enjoy my story. And I'm also very glad you brought up the suicide aspect. In no way did I mean to display suicide as something light and easily recovered from. I have a friend who is suicidal and though I don't really know much about it, I know how serious and painful it can be for everyone involved. My angle with Minako is that she's selfish, spoiled, and willful. She did not try to take her own life out of any real desire to die; it was more of an attempt to gain attention and pity for her plight because Zach "no longer loves her". Basically, she's a child. I'm sorry that I was so unrealistic with my portrayal, and thank you for calling me on it. People like you turn me into a better author. Keep reading and thinking! 


	7. 5c: And Their Tactless Friends

Uhm, hi guys! I'm truly sorry about how long it took me to get this out. It's just been one thing after another in my life lately. I consider the last few months a learning experience. Here is what I've learned through much pain and tedium punctuated by moments of panic and guilt:

a.) i'm a terrible, terrible liar

b.) ap chemistry is the most evil thing to have ever walked the earth

c.) one requires BOTH sleep AND time to write. I've had neither.

d.) a loss in the family is not conducive to writing, either.

I'm truly sorry about the wait guys. It'll (probably) never happen again. Please don't hate me. I don't even deserve your loyalty any more (but that doesn't mean I won't appreciate it if it does happen). I'll do better, honest!

Thanks guys! And read on!

Loulibelle 4/8/03

p.s. i'll reply to your reviews later! I wanna get this out now!

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Ami may not have noticed the blonde man leaving the office of her employer, but Rei had been unable to miss him. And in the space of .005 seconds—having taken in his appearance—disheveled and a poorly executed attempt at unconcerned sexy, and his lecherous gaze at herself and Ami--had discerned his character and the appropriate reaction. Very simply these were her thoughts: 

sleazeball/womanizer/toocuteandknowsit= jerk.

Required response to jerks? = scowl. 

And scowl she did, darkly.

Joseff wondered what he had done. After all, he didn't normally receive that look until _after_ he had opened his mouth. And certainly never so fiercely. He should probably do something before he was reduced to ashes where he stood. He decided to speak (not the wisest idea for he was forever known for his innate ability to say the exact correct thing that would earn him a slug from every woman in earshot). He opened his mouth with the intention of saying perhaps a pleasant greeting to Ami, followed by a comment upon the fine weather and then a polite request to be introduced to her beautiful friend. What came out instead was something like this:

"Hiya Ames. I'm out of the office. Who's Hotlegs?" 

Damn. That wasn't what he'd meant to say. Stupid mouth.

Ami, now aware of Joseff, and Zach, who had come to the door in time to hear his amigo's brilliant opener, winced simultaneously. Ami, because she knew both people well and had dreaded their paths ever crossing, knowing the results would be unrecognizable carnage. And Zach, because his friend was an idiot and he was embarrassed to be associated with him.

Rei let go of Ami slowly and gently, her gaze going from blistering to incinerating. Her voice, however, to everyone's surprise, was gentle. "Oh, hello." Stepping away from her friend and turning her so that they both faced the office door, she pointed to Joseff and inquired, "Ami, I don't believe I've been introduced to either your employer or his friend."

It was the quiet rage that you must fear.

"I'm sorry Rei-chan, forgive my rudeness. Gentleman, this is my very dear friend, Reina Markesteade. Reina, this is my boss, Zachary Anderson, and his...compatriot, Joseff Thompson." Ami gave a tight smile, then, knowing her part to be complete, retreated a couple steps to watch the fireworks.

Zach, looking at Rei's face and relating it to an expression he had seen on Mina's face the night before, prudently took a few steps back, as well, standing next to Ami. He figured she'd be a good shield if things went like he thought they would.

They did.

Rei gifted Joseff with a beautiful smile and extended her hand. "It's wonderful to meet you Joseff."

Warily, he took the proffered hand. "It is?" he squeaked. Then, deciding that that wasn't as manly as he would've hoped, repeated "I mean, it is?" in a deeper voice.

Her smile widened. "Oh, yes indeed." Her grip on his hand tightened painfully.

"Here it comes." Ami whispered to Zach, gifting him with a conspiratorial grin that made something inside him twist.

Joseff's eyes widened at the pain in his hand. "Oh, yes, meeting selfish, chauvinistic, egotistical prigs with bad hair and horrible taste in clothing and no ability to control themselves or their libido. At least, no grace to _pretend_ that they can control themselves and their libido always makes _my_ day. I'm glad you like my legs. Not only do they look nice, they're functional, too."

She demonstrated by kicking him in the balls. Hard. He dropped like a stone.

Ami's grin turned into a brilliant smile. Damn. He'd been asking for that all day. She loved her friend. Turning to the silent bystander beside her, "Told you." She whispered, still beaming.

'Pretty'. Zach thought, still gaping.

"Come on Ami." Rei sounded appropriately satisfied.

The two girls departed rapidly, skirts swishing and heads held high. Leaving a gaping Zach and a groaning Joseff rolling on the floor.

As the door closed behind them, Zach heard Jo whisper. "I think I'm in love. Owwwww...".

Zach could only nod in agreement.

------------------------------------------------------~

Mina leaned back in her chair in front of the cosmetics mirror and let the professionals work their magic. Having her make-up and hair done before a shoot was always so relaxing, and today she needed it more than usual. She let her eyes wander down to the giant rock of a diamond that was perched on her finger.

Married. Oh, God. Married to Zach. Unbelievable. Like a dream come true.

Except, someone else was already living that dream. Zach's wife. As happy as Mina herself was, the thought of that poor woman being abandoned by her husband to raise their child alone almost made her cry. Zach assured her that his wife wanted a divorce as much, if not more, than he did. But that didn't change anything. What if the woman really loved him and was just being strong so that Zach would be happy? What then?

That's why Mina had to meet her. Had to know for sure that what she and Zach were doing was really okay. She couldn't marry him with a clear conscience, otherwise.

She heaved a sigh.

"Make-up's all done Miss Mina."

"Thanks, Molly."

Mina got out of the chair and looked in the mirror again.

She was beautiful, why didn't she feel like it?

-------------------------------~

Rei and Ami exited the office building, giggling like fools.

"Oh, God, " Rei wiped away a tear, "did you see the look on his face?"

"Priceless, "Ami managed to wheeze, "He so deserved it, too. I have seriously wanted to do that all day!"

"After that darling, I wouldn't worry about those two conspiring against you!"

"Tell me about it! He can't walk, let alone conspire! They're probably terrified of you by now!"

Rei's smile was vicious. "As it should be."

Her expression set Ami off into laughter again. "Rei, I'm so glad we're friends!"

-----------------------------------~

okay. That's all for now, peeps. More to come this week, definitely, because it's SPRING BREAK!!!!!!!!!!!! And I'm now reasonably sane again.

Thank you everyone, for your patience!!!!

I love you all!!!

Louli~


	8. 5d: So Often Go, um, Oddly

I'm baaaaaaaaaaaaack!!!

::throws confetti::

And with a suitably long chapter, too. Go me!

Again, apologies for the length of time in between chapters. I just can't seem to get my speed up. I've had writers block like you wouldn't believe, and I've been trying to keep up my quality so the plot makes sense and (hopefully) humorous. See, I know where I want to go, but getting there is giving me a few problems. Never fear, I'm not giving up! I'm just trying to balance life, writer's block, and writing and I have yet to perfect the technique. I've done my best. I hope it was worth the wait!!!

WARNING the rating is PG-13 for a reason. There's foul language in this (Mostly Joseff's potty-mouth, he can't help it if he's crass) so tread carefully!!

----------------------------------~

Zach helped haul his friend's pathetic rear off the floor and into the cushy chair he'd previously occupied in the inner office. Not that he really cared for this embarrassing man's well-being or anything, but people rolling around on the floor clutching parts of their anatomy and groaning in pain somehow made the customers a little nervous. At least this way, the noise would be muffled when he went to beat his friend again. 

"Man, you are the saddest thing I've ever seen. You've completely ruined the plan! She got away!" He glared.

"Oww. Not my fault Ms. Mizuno had to drag along a hot friend. You know as well as I do that I just can't seem to help myself around beautiful women. I think it's best that I screwed up now instead of knee-deep in the plan. Really, I saved you!" Joseff somehow managed to look self-righteous from the fetal position.

"True enough. You couldn't have distracted that girl long enough for me to have any chance of persuading Ami to take a vacation day, let alone pretend to be my wife."

"I'd like to argue with you. I would, too, if you weren't right. Damn my mouth. Wasn't she hot though? I haven't seen—or felt—legs like that in, well, remember when Minako kicked me? Yeah! She had model-quality legs, baby!" He began to look dreamy.

"I knew there was a reason I never introduced you to any of my friends, especially the female ones. Wait...have you been fantasizing about my girlfriend's legs?"

Joseff tried not to squirm at the look on Zach's face. He could tell by his friend's expression that Zach was going to beat the crap out of him no matter what he said. And thinking about it, he deserved it, really. What kind of idiot tells a friend that he's been having impure thoughts about said friend's girlfriend's legs? But then again, what kind of an idiot introduces their hot girlfriend to a friend who's a world-renowned pervert and expects said perverted friend not to have one or two innocent fantasies (and a few off-color ones)? When you looked at it from that angle, both Zach and he deserved a good ass kicking for being complete morons.

But Joseff really, really didn't want his ass kicked. He was already in enough pain, thank you very much. He tried to think of something to say that would placate his friend. Maybe an apology, followed by a statement assuring him that, though his girlfriend was _gorgeous_, he'd moved on to less famous territory.

"Don't worry man, not anymore. It's a straight diet of Rei-legs for me from now on!"

Joseff winced, maybe he actually had spent too much time trying to get a rise out of people like the Sergeant that he was unable to say something that would not result in physical pain. When his friend was done death-glaring, maybe he'd ask the genius psychiatrist if maybe this kind of thing was possible. Maybe something to the effect of Pavlovian response training? He'd heard about that on Charlie Brown the other day. It would be really great if that were his problem. He could fix it then, maybe. But back to the problem with fists. He forced a grin at his glowering amigo. Best to play dumb.

"What? Did I say something wrong?"

Zach's arms twitched in the manner of someone who was exercising great control not to resort to violence. Joseff scooched in his chair so as to expose the fewest number of vulnerable body parts and tried his best to look angelic.

Zach's hands, seemingly of their own volition, began moving nearer and nearer to the cowering man's throat. "I'm going to kill you!"

Eyes widening in panic, for he was by no means a brave man, Joseff attempted to become one with the blue vinyl that covered his chair. "Wait! Wait! You need me! You need me!"

Miraculously, this seemed to slow the hands of doom; the shaking of the limbs evidence of exactly how much will-power it took to stop them. 

"_You!_ Y-ergh! Err-AAAH!" 

Zach turned away from his friend quickly so as not to face so much temptation. No matter how much he deserved a bitch-slapping, Joe was right, he did need him alive. For now. It was definitely time to start banging his head against blunt objects. Between Minako and Joseff, it was a wonder _he_ didn't need a highly paid psychiatrist to stay sane. And wouldn't _that_ just look wonderful? A shrink needing a shrink. God, what he really needed was a stiff drink or five.

He leaned his head against the window of his office and stifled a whimper. "I hate you, you know that, right?"

Relief flooded through Joseff. If Zach was hating him, it meant things were back to normal and that he was no longer in danger of being decapitated at any second. Still, it was best to keep an eye on his homicidal friend. Shifting a bit in his chair he could see Zach sprawled against the window, an air of gloom surrounding him like a dark cloud. So far, so good. He really wasn't going to die, then.

It was the normal cycle: near-death, hatred, despair, normalcy. They truly had a fucked up friendship.

Suddenly, Zach stiffened, surprising Joseff with his sudden movement. He leaned closer to the window and pressed both hands and face to the glass so hard that a nose print was made. Joseff frowned, perplexed. This was certainly new behavior. Maybe his friend had found a new hobby of pissing off the window cleaners?

So deep in thought was he that he let out a sharp squawk, when, turning away from the window in a hurry, Zach stomped over, grabbed his arm and exclaimed, with the urgency of a loony, "Joseff!"

Worried again, and gazing bewilderedly at the hand that was clenched tightly around his elbow, he managed, "Yeah?"

"Get your jacket. Let's go. Now. Hurry."

"What? Why? Ow! Ow! OW! Watch it! I still hurt you know!"

"Quit you're whining, you baby! We have to move it if we're going to stalk them to lunch! I have a plan!" The glitter in his eyes was maniacal.

---------------------------------------~

"—so then I said, 'Well, you put the 'ho' in s'ho'pping mall' and she was all like 'Oh yeah? Well you! _You_ put the 'ho' in, in...loser!'. and then stormed out! I couldn't quit laughing."

Ami stared at her friend's face, which was blurry through the tears of laughter in her eyes. No one could tell a story like Rei-chan! Trying to compose herself, she took a small sip of water, only to narrowly avoid spraying it everywhere in the classy restaurant when her eyes met Rei's. Her sides hurt from laughing so hard but she couldn't seem to stop. As always when she was flustered, her soft accent thickened.

"O-onegai, Rei-chan. Stop!"

"But I was just getting to the part where Becky—oh, I'm sorry, her name is _Beryl_ now--failed in an attempt to fall into Chad's arms and went hurtling down the staircase in a skimpy halter-top which, somehow, got ripped on the way down and..."

"Please...I can't...I can't breathe...!" Ami wheezed, again blown away by the mental image of the girl who had made her and Rei and Rena's life a living hell in high school displaying her breasts to the whole of a shopping mall...in a completely unintentional and non-sexy manner. She did a lot of breast-divulging normally, of course, but never quite so much. That would show her for hitting on Rei's brother.

Rei, for her part, grinned cattily. She knew no better way to cheer her friend up than to expound on the humiliation of an old foe. And Ami really needed cheering up. After their initial laughter over the defeat of the ego-god himself, Ami had sobered immensely and had begun to tell Rei, in detail, what she had over-heard outside of Zach's office. The men were up to something, and having experienced first-hand at least _one _of the delinquent duo's lack of tact (Zach could, indeed, be better, but somehow she had her doubts). It couldn't be good. So she'd begun to tell stories. And it was working.

"Oh, come off it, Ami! You don't really need to breathe! So, as I was saying, I was talking to my delinquent rock star brother after I met him for lunch—you know how busy he is, nowadays. Can you even believe he made it?—and we were walking to the escalators when Beryl screeches her recognition of him and..." 

Rei continued her story—with only very little embellishment—and Ami, stomach cramping, remained incapacitated with laughter, managing, as distracted as they were, to completely miss the two men squatting behind the potted plants, observing them in much the same way piranha observe a hunk of beefsteak.

----------------------------------------------------~

Zach felt almost ashamed. Ami looked the most relaxed he had ever seen her. And he had never seen her laugh this hard either. It was a pity he'd have to ruin it, but he wasn't giving up.

Contrary to what was seen in movies, hailing a cab and ordering it to follow another one isn't very effective. Most of the drivers, it seemed, were wary of lawsuits and being charged as accessories to crimes such as rape or murder. As a direct corollary to this, they generally refuse to follow other vehicles at the requests of desperate (and frankly, rather scary looking) men. Joseff and Zach had found this out the hard way. After being forcibly removed from four different cabs, they had eventually been reduced to running after Rei and Ami's from a safe distance.

Sneaking into the restaurant after the two girls had also been a humiliating and difficult episode that was better just forgotten.

Nope, no giving up here. Too much pain and suffering had already been invested for him to just walk away and leave her in peace.

He checked his watch and met Joseff's eyes. Zero hour. He picked up his phone and dialed.

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"I don't care what anyone says, Lauren, watching cartoons upside-down does wonders for the mind, not to mention spinal extension." Minako contested as she tried to look up at her dear friend from where her head lay on the floor. "You really should just scooch around backwards and lay upside down like me." She let her arms flop dramatically onto the floor to illustrate her point.

Lauren regarded her friend's butt—for that was all she could see of the blonde from her correct sitting angle on the couch—dubiously. "Minako, do you even have any idea what you're talking about?"

"'Course I do! I've done this for years! Just never, ever eat an orange from this angle, when that juice goes up your nose, it's been known to burn for like five minutes!"

Lauren snorted her laughter, gave up, and flipped around so her feet were laying over the back of the couch and her head was on the floor next to her deranged friend. "I can't believe you've tried eating oranges like this."

"Oh yes, used to have races with my friends in elementary school to see who could eat a whole one the fastest upside-down." She giggled and smiled softly at the memory. "Those were the days."

"I bet they were!"

The two laughed softly for a while, letting it peter out into the comfortable silence of long-term friendship.

Lauren let it carry for a few minutes before asking, "So, you want to tell me why you practically dragged me over here?"

Mina was quiet for a few more seconds, trying to organize her thoughts. "Laur, do you think I'm a bad person?" She finally managed her voice soft and hesitant.

The lanky girl looked at the blonde in shock. Was this the same irrepressible Minako who bubbled through life, always completely sure of herself and her actions? "O-of course not, honey!" She said when the shock had worn off, "Whatever brought that on? Don't tell me Koujirou is giving you hell again!" She never could fathom why two of the most wonderful, charming people she had ever met just could _not_ get along. She'd almost guess hidden attraction if it weren't for the fact that Mina and Zach were so heavily involved.

"Well, that and...well...Zach asked me to marry him."

Ah. Premarital jitters.

"Oh, baby, that's wonderful!" She soothed, finally getting a handle on the problem they'd been dancing around all evening. "Of course your good enough for Zach. I'd even say _too_ good for him. You'll make a wonderful, dependable wife."

Smiling softly, Minako dropped the bomb, "Yeah it is, and I'm pretty sure I'll be okay at the marriage game, except that my fiancé is already married."

Okay. That changed things a little. "_What?! _Did you know about this?!"

"Don't freak out too badly, please. It's not the fact that he's married that surprised me—I've known that since the beginning—and he's getting a divorce so we can be married, and he assures me that his wife wants to move on as much as he does. So it should be fine. It's just that I can't shake the feeling I'm doing something horrible. They have a child, you see. There's _a child_ involved. I feel like I'm ruining the little girl's life or something by taking her daddy away. She's supposed to still be pretty young and—and I love him, I do, but I don't know if I can just waltz in and ruin a relationship like that. Children are born out of mutual love! Could I have ruined a wonderful relationship? Butted in just when Zach had had an argument with his wife? I just don't know! But I _feel_ awful! I never really thought about what I was doing until he asked me to marry him! What have I done?!" She was crying now.

Lauren took a deep breath and grabbed Mina's hand and squeezed it sympathetically. This was heavy stuff. It was rather unfair Zach to put such a wonderful and kind soul through such hell. "What did you tell him?"

"Oh. Oh, I told him "yes" but only if he let me meet his wife and talk to her first. You know, just to make sure everything was okay. I have to be sure! I can't ruin something that precious with my own selfishness!"

Grip tightening, Lauren whispered. "I know. I know. You're doing the right thing. I know. It'll be all right."

Mina squeezed back and cried, letting the tension ease out with her tears in the presence of someone she knew wouldn't judge her.

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Rei was, in a word, pissed. How the hell had her office found her!?! And she'd been in the middle of another really good Beryl story, too. Damn it! She was pretty sure she'd scared the unfortunate waiter who had delivered the message that there was a telephone call for her at the front desk, but she couldn't bring herself to care. He'd get over it.

Her rage at the moment, however, was nothing compared to what she felt when she picked up the phone and met only dial tone.

She slammed down the receiver and stomped back to her seat, mumbling creative expletives under her breath.

She stopped mumbling them when, upon arriving, Ami was nowhere to be found.

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So, what'd y'all think? I'll have the next bit hopefully out soon!

Please review! And thank you unbelievably for your understanding and your patience with me!

I Love You ALL!

Especially those who have reviewed! You have no idea how much your kind words mean to me!

~Louli

6/28/03


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